When I was diagnosed with cancer, I did not fall to my knees in perfect faith or lift my hands in praise.

I was angry. Angry at the diagnosis and the time. Angry that I had always tried to do what God told me to do, no matter how difficult it was. I felt abandoned. I had tried to live a good life, and this still happened to me.

I was angry with God.

It felt so wrong to even say that out loud. For my entire life I had been taught to “trust God’s plan,” “be still and know,” and to “have faith through the storm.” In that moment though I was just angry that I was having to go through the storm.

One thing I learned during this season of my life is this: God can handle our anger.

He is not fragile. He will never turn His back to us when we struggle with understanding His ways. In fact, our honesty is often the very thing that draws us closer to Him.

I feel like there is an unspoken rule in many churches that being angry with God is wrong, that it is a sign of weak faith. There are so many stories in the Bible though of faithful people who wrestled with God’s decisions.

• Job cried out in confusion and sorrow, questioning why God would allow such suffering.
• David wrote Psalms full of anguish, asking, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?”
• Moses grew frustrated and exhausted leading people who constantly rebelled, even though he was doing exactly what God told him to do.
• Even Jesus himself, in His human pain, cried out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken Me?” In Matthew 27:46.

If the Son of God Himself could express sorrow and confusion to His father, then surely God understands ours too.

So many people believe that anger is the absence of faith, it is not. It is often the expression of a heart that still believes but just does not understand. You cannot be angry with someone you have completely given up on. My anger towards God during this time came from my relationship with Him. It came from the belief that He could have stopped it, prevented it, healed it supernaturally and instantly, and He didn’t.

That is not disbelief. That is faith, even though my life was messy.

Getting a diagnosis like this has a way of making you confront everything you thought you believed about control, strength, and purpose. There were absolutely nights I laid in bed crying out to God “why me?”

Faith does not always mean peace though. Sometimes faith is showing up angry, but still showing up.

I continued to pray even when I did not want to. I went to church when I would have preferred to lie in bed crying.

Over some time I saw that God was not asking me to pretend like I was mentally okay, He was asking me to bring Him my heart exactly as it was.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He was not waiting for me to calm down or get over it. He met me right where I was at, in the anger, fear, and the tears.

As humans when we are hurting, we often want answers more than comfort. We constantly want the “why” behind our pain, at least I do. Most of the time though God rarely gives us explanations, He will give us His presence though, which I personally prefer.

In the book of Job, after all of the questions and speeches, God does not explain why He allowed Job to suffer. He simply reminds Job of His greatness and faithfulness. Somehow though, that reminder was enough.

It took time but I had to learn to trust that God had not abandoned me. I chose to believe that He intended to use my suffering in that time for something good. We do not have to have all the answers in front of us in order to still have faith.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.”

It does not say that all things are good, cancer for instance is not good. Pain is not good. God can weave even the darkest chapters of our life into a story of redemption.

I think many have this misconception that anger pushes God away. What I have learned is that when we are honest with Him about our anger it actually invites Him into our lives even closer.

When we bottle up our emotions, pretending that everything is okay, we build walls up between ourselves and our Heavenly Father, just like in any relationship.

Just think about it with me, relationships grow through honesty. When my child cries out for me in frustration, I never stop loving him. I hold him tighter. That is exactly what God does with us.

Somewhere along the way I realized that faith is not about never questioning God, it is about trusting Him enough to bring Him my questions.

It is about believing that He loves me. Even when I am yelling through tears. It is about knowing He is still good, even when life isn’t. We have to hold onto His promises, even when our hands our trembling.

A wonderful verse that I have held onto during hard times is Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Even when my body felt weak, my spirit found strength in that truth. Even when my emotions raged, His love did not change.

Sometimes the very thing that breaks us becomes the thing God uses to reach others.

2 Corinthians 1:4 says, “He comfort us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.” That is what this blog is for me. It is a way to tell someone else walking through their own anger and confusion, “it is okay. You are not along. God is not angry with your anger.”

He is still with you. He still loves you. He is also still writing your story, even from the ashes.

So hold on, friend. Grace is waiting right where your anger begins.